I took to social media to ask girls specifically about the types of guys they have dated in the past – and I wasn't surprised. Every time they tell me of a hilarious incident, or a ‘mistake' they met, I couldn't help but put a name and face to these guys whom I had encountered in my own life. It's almost as if these guys did an amoeba move on us and multiplied by the millions when we weren't looking.
1. The Good Guy
If you're 17 (or 12 in today's context), you have a certain ideal you set for a ‘boyfriend'. The strange thing here is that at this age your ideas are set based on someone you've already met, and not vice versa. Even though he wasn't Zayn Malik, he was the sweetest who remembered your birthday without technology and would patiently listen to you walk through your day for three hours without missing a word. However, peer pressure ebbs at this relationship and you are convinced that you can do better and you break his heart by personifying Elsa, the queen of ice.
2. The 90210 Casanova
Once you’ve convinced yourself that the former didn’t help your popularity soar, you don’t think twice about dating the Spawn of Satan. Now, you won’t recognize him because he lacks a red leather suit, a set of horns and a pitchfork. You will be blinded by his aviators, suave style, slick hair but what you don’t realise that there is nothing ordinary about him, even the qualification.
3. The Mama’s Boy
I don’t know how some women consider it a compliment when a guy likens them to his mother. That’s some deep Freudian disturbance there. It’s worse that all they do is make references to their mother, and are also willing to drop just about anything so that they can attend to their mother’s errands of buying eggs, taking her to Nolimit on Saturday evenings, or just driving her from point A to B. It’s bad enough that you have to compete for good guys in this day and age, but it gets a million times worse when your competition is in her mid-fifties, makes cutlets, and also gave birth to him – talk about deep connections.
4. The Bluesy Buster
This type of guy is ‘feeling sad and blue' personified. Think of every injustice a person could experience – he has been through it and thinks that just about everyone is out to get him. So, naturally when he is in a relationship sees you as his emotional tampon and wants you to ‘absorb' his pain. The cunning leech will even twist your arm that his erratic behaviour is because he isn't used to having people side with him in his life.
5. Grease Lightning
You know whom I am talking about if you've walked into his personal bathroom and suspected that he was having an affair with another woman. His bathroom vanity is full of Garnier products, from anti-aging creams, overnight intense vitamin E moisturizers, to mascara that's meant to cover smidgens of grey in his beard. His nonplussed response to your quivering voice asking, ‘You use all this?' convinces you that he is Travolta, but he really is Revol-ta.
6. Monster Inc
He breaks your heart in the worst imaginable way; hits on your best friends, he might even get married to one of them. He forgets every birthday and never bothers calling you back or responding to texts even though you know full well that his phone is glued to his palm. You might also find unexpected transactions taking place with the use of your credit card details and suspicious packages sent to your home address – but he claims he is so broke that he cannot afford to do Valentines this year.
7. The Great Gatsby
His parents own multiple coconut estates and he is a proud owner of the latest Mercedes, was educated overseas, flies only business class, but has no grasp of what life actually is. Having never stepped in a bus in his thirty-something years of life, he has a snooty view of ‘peasants' who work for a living. You know that it could never work out between you two.
You would have dated on or a few of them; you might even have a 'type' that you go for, like me. Perhaps you are in transition, but I'd like to suggest that if were to line up the men you dated over the years, you will find a clear representation of your mental health.